My baby cried this morning. He cried and cried and cried, close to an hour of constant heartfelt tears. He squirmed his tiny body next to mine on our family bed, tears streaming down his face. As he cried, I lay beside him, holding his hand, kissing his cheek, and reassuring him with my presence.
Embracing the Crying Process
It felt good to allow his release without stopping the crying. I now understand my children’s need to release their painful feelings and provide daily spaces for them to do so. This experience has deepened my connection with my son, building trust.
The Journey to Understanding: From New Mother to Empowered Parent
As a new mother, I believed that by stopping Harry’s tears, I was stopping his pain. Breastfeeding became my go-to method of comfort. However, this approach resulted in a child who never had the opportunity to release painful feelings through crying, leading to sleep challenges and constant nighttime waking.
The Challenges of Attachment Parenting
We were strongly committed to the ideals of Attachment Parenting and diligently followed the guidelines. However, in our efforts to adhere to these principles, we lost sight of our son’s individual needs. My over-reliance on breastfeeding as a comfort method led to a loss of personal boundaries and growing resentment.
The Consequences of Suppressing Crying
On weaning at three and a half years, Harry experienced considerable fear, anxiety, and difficulty releasing his painful feelings. It was then that we discovered Aletha Solter’s work on the importance of crying, realizing that our loving attempts to soothe Harry had resulted in pent-up anger and frustration.
The Healing Power of Tears: A New Approach
Armed with new knowledge, we began to embrace Harry’s tantrums, sitting with him as he cried and raged. This was a challenging process, but over time, we witnessed a peaceful, happy child emerge. Through this journey, we, too, learned the value of crying and began a wonderful healing process as a family.
A New Parenting Philosophy for Our Second Child
With the birth of our second son, Baxter, we approached parenting with new wisdom. Steve became more involved in Baxter’s care, building a strong and deep connection early on. We embraced Baxter’s crying as healthy and productive, creating a safe and loving space for him to express his emotions.
The Benefits of Embracing Crying
Baxter is now a deeply peaceful and easy-going baby who happily interacts with others. He feels safe with both Steve and me, crying freely in our arms. This approach has allowed us to build a strong, trusting relationship with him.
Reflecting on the Journey with Harry
Harry has become an emotionally strong and communicative young boy. He now trusts us with his painful feelings, frequently expressing them through tantrums. This experience has taught us the importance of embracing our children’s emotions, helping us grow stronger as a family.
Cultural Conditioning and the Stigma of Crying
From the moment we are born, many of us learn that crying should be distracted, punished, or ignored. This cultural conditioning leads us to stop our children from crying, suppressing their natural emotional healing processes. Yet, crying in the arms of a loving adult is essential for nurturing emotionally strong and connected human beings.
The Challenge of Embracing a Different Path
It is not easy to undo the cultural conditioning of our society and childhood and try a different path. Parents often face significant pressure and judgment when their children express strong emotions publicly. However, by allowing our children to cry and rage, we offer them the opportunity to heal and connect, teaching them healthy ways to express their pain.
Conclusion: Trusting in Our Children’s Natural Healing Abilities
Aletha Solter explains that emotional problems, behavioral problems, and stress-related illnesses are not caused by stress itself, but by the suppression of natural healing mechanisms, specifically crying and raging. Our children come equipped with all they need to work through the difficulties of life. Our job is to allow them to do it.